"Bone-headed"

Stubborn. Stiff-necked. Hard-headed. Bone-headed. There are all kinds of labels we use to describe the condition (a condition, by the way that seems to occasionally plague everyone but the label-giver), but they all identify the same issue: utter refusal. It may be a refusal to own a comment we made, or a refusal to change some behavior. But in this context, it's a refusal to confess.

Confession of sin to someone you have wronged is a powerful thing. In fact, in our look-out-for-number-one culture today, is even more powerful because almost nobody actually does it! I don't know if it's pride, ignorance, or something else -- but even Christians today almost never confess to one another, let alone to someone outside of the Christian community. Like the world around us, we default to saying "I'm sorry" -- which simply means "I feel badly about this." And too often we are experiencing remorse because we got caught. God never calls his followers to say "I'm sorry" or even "I apologise;" rather, he teaches us to humble ourselves and confess our sin to one another, asking for forgiveness. In fact, James shows the vital link between confession and prayer for one another:

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective (James 5:16).

Jesus' words on the subject are particularly powerful:

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:23-24).

This passage is a wake-up call to me. The word for gift here is usually considered as a financial contribution. But the term simply means something given gratuitously, even something more intangible like service. In other words, Jesus is telling his followers that reconciliation (and in this verse the weight is laid upon the confessor) is more important that our financial gifts and service to his kingdom work! Christ says it plainly: Christians are to stop their gratuitous contribution (even their ministry activity) in its tracks and first go and be reconciled. Why? Because to continue ministry without reconciliation is to completely obliterate the work of Christ on the cross (see my blog entry on April 27, A Church With No Gospel). How can we call ourselves Christians, taking on the name of the Savior, doing ministry with an eternal message of reconciliation and yet have unreconciled relationships with our brothers and sisters in Christ? It is the ultimate hypocrisy and makes a mockery of Christ's sacrifice for forgiveness of sin.

Practically speaking, I have found that few people have been taught how to confess their wrongdoing to a brother or sister in Christ (or even to a non-believer for that matter). Most parents do not teach their children to do this. Few churches teach it or even make it a priority (which is interesting since it's one of the main themes of the gospel). So I want to conclude this entry today with some basic teaching on confession from Peacemaker Ministries out of Billings, Montana (www.hispeace.org).

The "Seven A's" of Confession:

1. ADDRESS everyone involved - the circle of confession should be only as big as was the infraction for which you are confessing. If you wounded someone one-on-one, then your confession should be the same (but always face-to-face if possible). However, if you wounded someone in front of an entire congregation, then the confession should be directed to that person in front of the entire congregation. The confession should address everyone involved, but ONLY those who were involved.

2. AVOID if, but and maybe - never, under any circumstances, qualify your confession (e.g., I should not have done this, but if you had kept your mouth shut...). Your confession rests on what YOU have said or done -- not anyone else. Your behavior is never anyone else's fault. Never.

3. ADMIT specifically - briefly recount exactly what you did. This shows that you know how you have wounded the other party, or gives an opportunity for them to clarify what you did if you truly do not understand.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE the hurt - own up to the pain and frustration you have caused as a result of your actions. Let the other party(ies) know you understand how what you have done has affected them.

5. ACCEPT the consequences - in your dialogue, accept any consequences from your actions. For example, sometimes relationships may be reconciled without immediate restoration of trust. Trust must be re-earned over time.

6. ALTER your behavior - explain what steps you are going to take to ensure that you never repeat what you have done in the future.

7. ASK for forgiveness - finally, humble yourself and ask for their forgiveness. Don't say "I'm sorry," or ask "Can you forgive me?" Rather, humbly ask "Will you forgive me?" Put the ball in their court. Be clear, and then allow them the time they need to respond. Depending on the magnitude of the infraction, an immediate response may not be likely.

Practicing full confession with one another is the key to experiencing full forgiveness and being able to walk in full freedom together as a community of faith.

He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Blessed is the man who always fears the LORD, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble (Proverbs 28:13-14).

Don't harden your heart (read, "Don't become a bonehead!"). Walk out the gospel of your Savior in your relationships. When you blow it, confess it! Experience the grace, mercy and peace that are yours because of what Christ did to establish reconciliation with God and with each other. This stuff works. And the power it will pour into your witness is incredible.

Addressing Anger

It can be a particularly traumatic experience for a pastor – especially a young, new pastor who is naïve enough to think that everyone in the congregation actually wants to follow his lead in ministry. You may have seen this in your own congregation. A certain person (or people) has some “issues,” but the new pastor is clearly not warned. The individual “blows” and as the pastor publicly takes it on the chin (so to speak), even the leaders of the church just stand there and watch – intimidated and dumbstruck. They are quick to tell the pastor later that they love him and support his ministry, but when he actually needed that support, they said and did nothing. This pattern is very common in local churches today – I have experienced it myself more than once. People just don’t know what to do with anger.


In my last article (http://www.ccccusa.com/anger1.html) I talked about anger in the local church and tried to draw some biblical conclusions about our experience and expression of anger. This month, I want to talk about how we should be lovingly addressing anger in ourselves and in our midst.


We need to begin by looking at the typical progression of anger. Paul articulates it well in his letter to the Ephesians.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every kind of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32, see also Colossians 3:8).


In these short two verses, the apostle reveals the escalation of human anger. What may begin as a natural and even ethical response to injustice, sin or some kind of injury becomes sinful if it is allowed to remain unchecked. Consider the following diagram:


First one must identify if his or her anger is just or unjust. Then the idea is to stop the escalation of anger before it becomes sinful – turning first into bitterness, then on to rage, brawling and slander, and eventually into outright malice.


How does one do that? Paul gives the answer in the very next verse:


“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).


It’s not easy, but it is necessary. The key to keeping our experience and expression of anger fully and completely righteous is to respond like Jesus right at the point of injury (see the ↓) – demonstrating both compassion and forgiveness. This action must be purposeful, because it does not come naturally. The natural man’s response brings an escalation of hostility. The Christ-like response is peace.




Preparation
What follows is practical, biblical advice on how to deal with anger in righteousness. Most people will find it easy to understand and some will find it relatively easy to live out. Others (like me) however, will have to work hard to make it a reality. It requires four things:

1. Preparation and personal discipline – in order to readily respond in a godly way to frustration and other challenges, one must make oneself ready before the anger-stimulating situation occurs. This takes time and concerted effort.


2. An honest assessment of our personality and our typical response to frustration – some personalities are more eruptive than others when it comes to anger. We need to understand ourselves and why we respond the way we do.


3. A clear understanding of the difference between assertion and aggression – Les Carter excellently details these two kinds of anger in his book Good ‘n’ Angry: How to Handle Your Anger Positively (Baker Books, 1983). One is healthy, helpful and considerate of others; the other is selfish, insensitive and destructive.


4. Continued growth in personal maturity and Christian character – Jesus Christ is our model and we must grow to be more like him.One must be putting these four things in place for true compassion and forgiveness to bear their fruit in us.

Compassion
If kindness and compassion rule one’s life, then any anger will tend to be righteous and lead to beneficial action. A heart of true compassion keeps one’s frustration in check. Such compassion also helps us to be quick toward both forgiveness and restoration.


And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd (Matthew 9:35-36).




Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?"


Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.


"Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made.


“So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.' And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt.


“But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.'


“So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.'


“He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place.


“Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?' And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt.


“So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart" (Matthew 18:21-35).


And he said, "There was a man who had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, 'Father, give me the share of property that is coming to me.' And he divided his property between them.


“Not many days later, the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country, and there he squandered his property in reckless living. And when he had spent everything, a severe famine arose in that country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything.


"But when he came to himself, he said, 'How many of my father's hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants."' And he arose and came to his father.


“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.


“And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'


“But the father said to his servants, 'Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.' And they began to celebrate.


" Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, 'Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.'


“But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him, but he answered his father, 'Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him!'


“And he said to him, 'Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours. It was fitting to celebrate and be glad, for this your brother was dead, and is alive; he was lost, and is found'" (Luke 15:11-32).


It’s extremely difficult in the moment of anger’s ignition, but ask yourself how Christ would respond to your wound or frustration by this other person. In most cases, we see that Christ did not respond with anger (even though it may certainly be warranted), but rather with compassion. See your aggressor through Jesus’ eyes. How does what he or she has just said or done break the Lord’s heart? How far have they fallen from His grace? Do they even know Him?
The prodigal son had squandered his share of his daddy’s estate. He had lived a life that was filled with illicit behavior, and he had even stooped so low as to care for swine (a forbidden career move for a Jew). When he returned home, his father would have been in his right to punish and berate him. But compassion leads us to step outside of our “rights” and to do what is ultimately in the best interest of our accuser/attacker. The father ran to his son with open arms and loved him unconditionally.

Begin each day prayerfully committing yourself to respond to those around you with Christ’s compassion. You’ll be amazed at what such a decision will do to stave off your usual angry nature!



Forgiveness
The very heart of the gospel and the Christian Faith, the greatest weapon against the progression of anger is true forgiveness – especially when it is undeserved. It is so important, that Jesus even teaches us to make it the center of our prayer life.

Pray then like this: "Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:9-15).


Herein is a clear demonstration of God’s law of reciprocity. We often think of this law in terms of stewardship (i.e., if we sow bountifully, we will reap bountifully), but it actually applies to the whole Christian life. In this case, the measure of daily freedom in forgiveness we receive is directly related to the measure of forgiveness we bestow! See the words in the middle of the Lord’s Prayer? “Forgive us our debts, AS we forgive our debtors” (v. 12). Every time you recite that prayer, you’re asking God to forgive you in direct accordance with how you forgive others. Boy! Does that shed light on the subject!


When we add verses 14 & 15, we see how serious is our state: “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”


Let me explain it this way: think of your life as a garden hose. God is represented by the spigot. When you receive Christ as your Savior and Lord, God opens His “faucet” of grace, mercy and forgiveness all the way and then breaks off the handle so it can never be shut off again. You are the nozzle on the end of the hose. If you are “cinched down” tight, refusing to forgive someone for what they’ve done to you, then it doesn’t matter how much water pressure is behind you, the water (or in this case, grace, mercy and forgiveness) cannot flow. It isn’t that God withholds forgiveness; it’s that you completely impede its flow by your own refusal to “open” yourself! If God’s forgiveness cannot flow THROUGH you, it also cannot flow TO you!



Remember that nothing in your Christian life is about your ability. Rather, everything is about God’s power and completed work at Calvary. It’s not your forgiveness that you appropriate, but God’s. That’s why forgiving is so crucial when you are wronged.
Decide every morning to respond immediately to every frustration and injury that day with forgiveness. Not only will it help to dissipate your anger, but it will also give you an incredible freedom!



Final Thoughts
In these two articles, we have barely scratched the surface on addressing anger. But I hope you have gained at least some simple, immediately practical pointers that you can use yourself and can offer to others. Anger is much too prevalent in local churches today. We must practice compassion, forgiveness and mutual accountability in our church families, or we will continue to see anger escalate in our midst.



How do you express anger and frustration? How do you respond to others who are experiencing or demonstrating anger in your presence – especially inappropriate anger? What will you do now to help address such emotion, preventing its acceleration into something sinful? My prayer is that Christ will be honored by us and by our churches in all things – especially when we’re frustrated, hurt or otherwise on the verge of anger.