Friday, May 8, 2009

"Bone-headed"

Stubborn. Stiff-necked. Hard-headed. Bone-headed. There are all kinds of labels we use to describe the condition (a condition, by the way that seems to occasionally plague everyone but the label-giver), but they all identify the same issue: utter refusal. It may be a refusal to own a comment we made, or a refusal to change some behavior. But in this context, it's a refusal to confess.

Confession of sin to someone you have wronged is a powerful thing. In fact, in our look-out-for-number-one culture today, is even more powerful because almost nobody actually does it! I don't know if it's pride, ignorance, or something else -- but even Christians today almost never confess to one another, let alone to someone outside of the Christian community. Like the world around us, we default to saying "I'm sorry" -- which simply means "I feel badly about this." And too often we are experiencing remorse because we got caught. God never calls his followers to say "I'm sorry" or even "I apologise;" rather, he teaches us to humble ourselves and confess our sin to one another, asking for forgiveness. In fact, James shows the vital link between confession and prayer for one another:

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective (James 5:16).

Jesus' words on the subject are particularly powerful:

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift (Matthew 5:23-24).

This passage is a wake-up call to me. The word for gift here is usually considered as a financial contribution. But the term simply means something given gratuitously, even something more intangible like service. In other words, Jesus is telling his followers that reconciliation (and in this verse the weight is laid upon the confessor) is more important that our financial gifts and service to his kingdom work! Christ says it plainly: Christians are to stop their gratuitous contribution (even their ministry activity) in its tracks and first go and be reconciled. Why? Because to continue ministry without reconciliation is to completely obliterate the work of Christ on the cross (see my blog entry on April 27, A Church With No Gospel). How can we call ourselves Christians, taking on the name of the Savior, doing ministry with an eternal message of reconciliation and yet have unreconciled relationships with our brothers and sisters in Christ? It is the ultimate hypocrisy and makes a mockery of Christ's sacrifice for forgiveness of sin.

Practically speaking, I have found that few people have been taught how to confess their wrongdoing to a brother or sister in Christ (or even to a non-believer for that matter). Most parents do not teach their children to do this. Few churches teach it or even make it a priority (which is interesting since it's one of the main themes of the gospel). So I want to conclude this entry today with some basic teaching on confession from Peacemaker Ministries out of Billings, Montana (www.hispeace.org).

The "Seven A's" of Confession:

1. ADDRESS everyone involved - the circle of confession should be only as big as was the infraction for which you are confessing. If you wounded someone one-on-one, then your confession should be the same (but always face-to-face if possible). However, if you wounded someone in front of an entire congregation, then the confession should be directed to that person in front of the entire congregation. The confession should address everyone involved, but ONLY those who were involved.

2. AVOID if, but and maybe - never, under any circumstances, qualify your confession (e.g., I should not have done this, but if you had kept your mouth shut...). Your confession rests on what YOU have said or done -- not anyone else. Your behavior is never anyone else's fault. Never.

3. ADMIT specifically - briefly recount exactly what you did. This shows that you know how you have wounded the other party, or gives an opportunity for them to clarify what you did if you truly do not understand.

4. ACKNOWLEDGE the hurt - own up to the pain and frustration you have caused as a result of your actions. Let the other party(ies) know you understand how what you have done has affected them.

5. ACCEPT the consequences - in your dialogue, accept any consequences from your actions. For example, sometimes relationships may be reconciled without immediate restoration of trust. Trust must be re-earned over time.

6. ALTER your behavior - explain what steps you are going to take to ensure that you never repeat what you have done in the future.

7. ASK for forgiveness - finally, humble yourself and ask for their forgiveness. Don't say "I'm sorry," or ask "Can you forgive me?" Rather, humbly ask "Will you forgive me?" Put the ball in their court. Be clear, and then allow them the time they need to respond. Depending on the magnitude of the infraction, an immediate response may not be likely.

Practicing full confession with one another is the key to experiencing full forgiveness and being able to walk in full freedom together as a community of faith.

He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy. Blessed is the man who always fears the LORD, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble (Proverbs 28:13-14).

Don't harden your heart (read, "Don't become a bonehead!"). Walk out the gospel of your Savior in your relationships. When you blow it, confess it! Experience the grace, mercy and peace that are yours because of what Christ did to establish reconciliation with God and with each other. This stuff works. And the power it will pour into your witness is incredible.

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